Twelve ways to Strengthen your Marriage Bond
© Twelve ways to Strengthen your Marriage Bond is by George Hartwell, all rights reserved, June 2006
Your comments or questions to georgeh (at) interlog.com
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Twelve ways to Strengthen your Marriage Bond© Twelve ways to Strengthen your Marriage Bond is by George Hartwell, all rights reserved, June 2006 Your comments or questions to georgeh (at) interlog.com
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There are many ways that a person can allow and encourage the personal connection, the bonding, and the love connection that God intends for the marriage relationship. God puts us together by providing these mechanisms. We tear marriage apart by avoiding these mechanisms. Avoid most of them most of the time and you may well succeed in putting asunder what God has intended to be together.
Make eye contact. Make eye contact when love-making.
Allowing togetherness - the afterglow - the calming down together - which occurs naturally after love making.
In conversation, allowing topics that are personal.
In conversation, allowing some problem solving, some confronting of the things that produce negative feelings.
Allow positive confrontation without abuse or name calling.
In conversation, responding to or acknowledging the other.
Develop common recreation, sports, or other shared activities.
Set aside time for the two of you each week - like a date night.
Touching base with each other, i.e. a staying 'in touch' phone call.
Expression of affection through physical touch.
Communicating when in difficulty and needing support.
Consistent faithfulness: being there without overreacting emotionally.
In Jesus parable about failure to risk (Matthew 25:24-30) the risk avoidant “wicked, lazy servant” ends up losing what they have. That worthless servant is thrown out into the darkness!
So, according to Jesus, it is inevitable that whoever buries his talent will lose what he thinks he has. Without trust (courage) there is no risk. Without risk, there is no growth. Without growth (movement forward), there is death!
How this happens:
When the avoidant partner avoids all personal communication, adult consultation, playful interaction and all correction or negative feedback, then the other partner will be lonely and vulnerable for communication intimacy.
When the avoidant partner minimizes all kissing, hugging, caressing and being affectionately physical together then both partner will end up ‘touch’ starved.
When the genital sexual relationship does not develop into heart to heart bonding because of the avoidance of eye contact, stepping away from the afterglow period then a powerful opportunity to deepen the marital bond and feed and nurture one another’s spirits is missed.
When decisions are not shared together, requests are not made, discussion does not happen the life together must of necessity become life apart from one another.
Both of the partners begin to deaden within, the heart sickens, the spirit languishes, one lives with constant residual depression and a search for life outside of the marriage becomes as search for life, love at the emotional and spiritual level. One strongly hungers and thirsts for that which will lift one spirits, heal one’s heart, rekindle one’s passion and bring the experience of community and intimacy to one’s soul.
By God’s design there is a powerful oneness created in sexual union, in cleaving to one’s wife, in becoming one with her. But Jesus is right. After years of neglect (the burial of the possibility by the one ine flight from life) even that powerful God-given oneness does die.
Sex is an expression of the human spirit. That is why the sexual relationship is said to create "one flesh." Emotionally mature and spiritually aware persons realize that sex is the sacrament of loving intimacy.
There is a sense that sex without connection, unity, or bonding is unhealthy and unholy - dangerous to one's physical, emotional and spiritual health. Therefore do not use sex to create love and do not force sex if your partner does not feel loved. For more about sex in a loveless marriage see: Unholy Sex and Silent Divorce.
If you are in a sexless marriage and come to realize that something is wrong look for a breakdown in the love, intimacy and connection.
Marriage counselling to rebuild the marital attachement may well be more to the point than sex therapy.
When Silent Divorce becomes Legal Divorce
People will differ in how they handle silent divorce, the weakening and finally the death of the marital bond. Once we recognize that what God puts together sometimes man pulls asunder, not just legally but by neglect, by avoidance, by head in the sand living, by burial of one’s talent, then we are open to learn where people are at and how they are dealing with that reality.
Some couples are not motivated to destroy the appearance of marriage and so keep up the appearance of marriage that we call ‘silent divorce.’ If you observe closely you may find that they also become more distant from God. Some couples make strong efforts to mend and restore their broken hearts and recreate a healthy marital bond. In some one, or both, partners will move on in the direction of life, love and communion with God.
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© Twelve ways to Strengthen your Marriage Bond is by George Hartwell, all rights reserved, June 2006 |
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Contact Agape Christian Counselling, #125 1454 Dundas St East, Mississauga, Ontario, Canada. L4X 1L4 |
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(416) 234-1850 |
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© George Hartwell M.Sc., 2009, www.HealMyLife.com. (416) 234-1850. georgeh (at) interlog.com.